EASTER

Can you tell we lost our camera charger and this is the only pic I could steal off my sister's blog that had one of my kids in it! Hayley please send me pictures!


This year, Easter was bitter sweet. Earlier in the week we knew that J.T.'s Grandpa Young wasn't doing well. He was 84 and quickly took a turn for the worse. J.T. was able to be in the room when he passed away Thursday April 1st. We have had far too many funerals to attend the past 18 months. JT's father passed away unexpectedly in October of 2008, Grandma Young passed away in February of 2009, his yellow lab Winnie passed away in November 2009, and now Grandpa (Winnie's ashes went with him.) My heart has simply ached for my sweet husband. I know loosing his father has been probably the hardest thing he has ever gone through, and then to loose both Grandparent's and his dog has been extremely tough on him.

We traveled to St. George the day after Grandpa passed, because well, anyone who really knows me knows if you mess with my plans I become Cruella De-ville. Easter with my family was good. Lot's of food, 5 dozen colored eggs, presents from the Easter Bunny, all that good stuff.

We attended Grandpa's funeral yesterday and although I think everyone was at peace that he was with his sweet wife again, funeral's are never fun. The kids were not well behaved. Boston did not understand "being quiet" and "using a quiet voice." He would say very loudly "I don't like quiet!!" "I don't like shhhh" "No shhh.. no quiet!" "this is not a nursery!" If that wasn't good enough, he kept saying things like "Grandpa died!" "He got a bad owie" "He's not waking up!" I just kept smiling, because I didn't know what else to do.

Jocelyn was her usual independent stubborn self. She raided the lost and found, splashed in the drinking fountain, and threw herself on the floor and screamed several times. I felt like a really bad parent. Maybe, in some ways I am, but it is a battle of wills with Miss Jocey. So, if you critisize me for letting her splash in the fountain, I challenge you to take her for 24 hours and then you can give me advice.

I had two thoughts overcome me during the funeral. First I thought I sure hope JT and I can be a cute old couple like that someday. I have a hard time picturing that. That's bad isn't it! But when I hear about a couple like Jt's Grandparents who never fought I feel like the Kate Gosselin of our relationship. I want them to say all those sweet things about us, but I'm afraid at my funeral people will just say "She bossed Jt around a lot." and at Jt's funeral they will praise him for putting up with me all those years. Oh well.. we'll be "cute" old people anyway, even if we turn out to be the bickerson's! JT is the best ever to put up with me and I know it!

The other thought that came across me I hate. I looked at the sweet little boy next to me saying "I don't like quiet" and I thought will all these "people" be at his funeral someday? I know... I know I shouldn't worry so much. People tell me all the time "oh he'll get married someday.. he'll have a family someday." I Want to believe this. I really do. Someday's I think, it doesn't matter that he has Asperger's, he's so cute.. the girls will still like him. Then I think about how cruel High School and the teenage years are and I think, "I'm not going to be their to prompt him to say the right things and I am sure he will have some really rough times, kids are just cruel. That's how it is." Autism and relationships don't mix, it's not impossible, but not always in the cards either. I worry about him after we are gone someday. After my parent's are gone. I want to shout to the world "please.. love him. I know he is quirky and doesn't always say the right things, but please please love him. He is such a good, sweet, fun person." I pray everyday that people will see that. That they will see him for his Abilities and not those things that he struggles with.

Easter made me think of trials. Besides going through a lot of deaths the past couple years, I tend to get bitter about our lifelong trial with Boston. I go through these waves of emotion where one day I feel sorry for our family, sorry for me, sorry for Boston. Days where I look all around me and all I see is "perfect" families, "perfect lives." Parent's cheering on their kids at sporting events and children playing together and enjoying life. I always feel like we are on the side lines looking in. Some autism days are simply Not fun. In St. George my nephew Jack and Jocelyn were jumping off the couch. Laughing themselves silly. Boston was in the other room playing with blocks. I tried to go in there and coach him out to go play. He didn't want to. My eyes started to well. I would do anything to make it easier for him.

I imagine this is how our Father in Heaven is with us. He hates to see us struggle. He doesn't want us to go through the hard stuff. He wants to be there through the cruel High School years and all the other trying times in our lives, and he is. But this doesn't mean we are without trial.

I know people always say that our trials are given to us for a reason, but I never understood that until the last 2 years. I have never been grateful for my trials until now. On the good days my eyes well up not because I feel sorry for anything, but because I feel so blessed. So blessed to have a husband that loves me unconditionally. So blessed to have a son that helps me see the world in a different light and helps me to be grateful for all the little things. So blessed to have a daughter to tuck in at night.... several times. On these emotional high's all the fears go away and I just feel his love and know that we all go through things for a reason. We are blessed. Very Very blessed.

The recent deaths in our family have made me reflect a lot. How grateful I am for the atonement and for the Gospel and knowing that we will be with them again someday.

Check this video out .. how true it is.